Well, hey there, hi there, hoe there! I know, it has been a hot minute since I have been Motherf*cking around with you all. Listen, I have been really busy working up a storm...so many jobs...gigs...appointments...appearances. Oh wait. Ain't none of that true. I'm on modified bed rest, bitches-ya'll knew that, right? And you still didn't call? Text? FB? Snap? Tweet? Not even AIM? Brutal. Cold as ice. It's cool. I'm a big girl wearing my big girl triple XL panties.
I'm not gonna lie, it has taken a few months to adjust to all this solitude. At first, I fought it. I was depressed. I cried a lot. I felt like I had lost everything: all my jobs, working Off-Broadway, my girl group, hell-even a couple friends! Oh-my-god, I had nothing to post on facebook--would people forget I even existed?! Do I exist?! I was scared and honestly really lonely. With the help of my husband, a few special friends, my family, and some random, yet thoughtful followers on the internet, I was able to keep my head above water and persevere. And you know what? I have started to like my new found "me time". I'm starting to feel free.
Here's the deal, I wanted to write you every day, but this pregnancy thang is no joke. Cooking this bun in my oven has made everything that was once effortless and possible, extremely difficult and painful. So, let's get to the nitty gritty, shall we?
Pregnancy poops, stretch marks, and carpal tunnel.
Three side effects of pregnancy that are equally common, yet "unheard" of--no one wants to talk about it! I think I get it, people are embarrassed by poop and no one wants to mistake the beautiful miracle of child birth as a negative. But come on, people! This is real life! Everybody poops! Pregnancy is not always a glowing walk in the park and wanting to talk about it does not lessen my love for my Baby.
So, let's get this party started, yeah?!
Have you ever had to poop so bad, but when you push nothing comes out? You're pushing and pushing...you know the poop is lurking inside, but the harder you push and spread your butt cheeks the only thing that falls is the sweat from your brow. You're panting, sweating like an animal, so you take off your shirt and pull off your pants--perhaps this will give you more flexibility. Out of breath, you take a break. Okay, time to push again, like a contraction you give it all ya got. Then you worry--Oh-my-god, am I going to push the baby out? Is my butthole tearing? Jesus, now a nerve pinches your back and there is no way to sit comfortably. You raise your feet to mimic a more "squatting" position--you saw this on t.v--apparently it's a more natural position for the poo to flow through the intestines. Doing this only cramps the baby's style, clearly, because he begins to kick, beating you from the inside out. Time for another break. You wipe just in case, but of course there is nothing to show for. It's time to throw in the towel-maybe it just isn't time to poop! Your body shivers in pain as the rock hard poop bends back straight as you stand. Oh God, you try to ass kegel the rock hard poop back higher inside you, trying to restore to neutral. Naked in the bathroom, awkwardly pacing between the shower and the toilet, you contemplate your future covered in a cold sweat and holding back tears. Just then, when you've given up all hope, a girgle from deep within reminds you that maybe you CAN poop today. Determined and exhausted, you saddle back up and give it one last go. Praying you don't have a toilet baby, you push with all the strength you have left. You moan through the pain as your husband knocks on the door questioning if everything is alright in there. Clenching your hands around your thighs, you let out a final JESUS F*CKING CHRIST-THANK YOU GOD as a giant plop hits the bottom of the toilet bowl and cool water splashes back up your asshole. Now you know what it feels like to shit a giant dildo covered in dull razor blades. The silver lining? It was a clean wipe. You're a god damn survivor. End scene.
Okay, stretch marks. Yeah, yeah, yeah...we all know about these beasts of burden. There is really nothing wrong with them and no one should be ashamed for bearing them. But! Did you know that these mother f*ckers can hurt?? Yes, they can itch and that's just annoying, but as my baby hit a growth spurt I truly wondered if the skin on my stomach was about to split open and explode. There is a beautiful set of stretch marks on my upper stomach under my right boob (literally under my right boob as my stomach has just become a booby rest at this point) that sears with pain. It is not constant, but the stinging, burning, and sometimes slight numbness comes and goes as the tiger stripes grow and grow. Thank god for google connecting me with a plethora of future mamas also suffering from this sexy side effect. I was reassured that this was all normal, just another beautiful side effect of the miracle of child birth, and this too shall pass.
Finally, some of you may be wondering, "What the f*ck does carpal tunnel have to do with pregnancy?!" I get it, I was even like, WTF?! But once again...common AF! So, carpal tunnel occurs when a nerve is pinched in your wrist which causes tingling, numbness, aching, and pain in your hands and sometimes up past your elbows. The reason this is so common during pregnancy is because when you are with child, your body is retaining hella water, pumping 50% more blood, and you swell like a mofo (causing the nerves to pinch). Everyone talks about the stereotypical swollen feet, but it also affects other parts of your body including your hands. Not all women suffer this side effect, but lucky me--I'm getting all the goodies! This is why it has been so difficult for me to write. It has also been difficult to sleep, hold a pen, use my phone, drive, open packages, button buttons, put change in the washer and dryer, do laundry, make the bed, wipe my butt, and wash my hair. All I can do is ice, brace, pop a generic tylenol, and hope that post baby this swelling goes down and I can function like a normal human being. A girl can dream, can't she?
In closing, pregnancy is beautifully amazing and equally uncomfortably ugly. It's both all the time and different every time. The physical toll and emotional roller coaster is something I could have never prepared for and honestly--I still don't know what the f*ck I am doing! For the first time in my life, I have no idea what to expect and although I am slightly terrified...all I see are electric possibilities.
When I was a kid there was no such thing as instafame, viral videos, cyber bullying, make-up tutorials, iphones, androids, reality T.V., The Kardashians, Real Housewives, facebook, instagram, twitter, or contouring. Back then we had dial up America Online and if someone was really cool they borrowed their dad's pager. The internet, albeit exciting and luxurious, proved to be more of a nuisance. The speed was glacial, it took what felt like hours to "sign on", no one could call your home landline, and you were attached to a large desktop P.C. usually within arms reach of a sibling or parent. Oh, I am sorry. I should go back. I don't want to confuse anybody. A landline was a contraption similar to an iPhone that was used for communication. It had a base usually mounted to a wall and connecting the gadget was a long tangled curly cue cord that would transfer spoken word from household to household. You could manually push buttons that were numbers and there was even a hashtag! Although in those days we called it a pound sign. Cool, huh? And once you were finished talking with someone you would literally hang up the telephone on the wall and walk away to do something much more productive. Crazy shit, huh?
